By Troy Williams
(the following is an excerpt from a speech given at the GLBT Diversity Awareness Education Event at the VA Salt Lake Hospital on June 12, 2008)
Everyone in the world is queer. And everyone is also a misfit and an oddball. It just depends on your context. The devil is in the details.
I grew up as a Mormon in liberal Oregon. In that context I kept my religion to myself. At 19, I had many college friends who didn’t even know I was LDS. I kept that secret because people were cruel. When I dropped the bombshell that I was going on a mission some of my friends were stunned. They thought I was nuts. And that’s why I was silent. I just wanted to fit into the dominant culture. I didn’t want to be an outsider. And I didn’t want my religion to be ridiculed.
In Oregon I was a misfit because I was Mormon. After my mission I moved to Utah to attend BYU so I could be with my own. Here, in the proper context, I would finally at long last belong. And everything would have worked out perfect, if only I had been attracted to women!
Being a misfit always depends on context. I would date girls and just be so proud at how good I was at being morally clean. I’d tell myself, “You know, I’m not really tempted by her! We’ve been dating for a couple months and I don’t even want to make out. Thank you Lord for the Law of Chastity because it keeps me from having to fool around with – I mean it keeps me morally straight – because yes I am so totally straight! Satan won’t tempt me! I won’t even kiss her goodnight!” “Oh my heck. I am so g#!”
I can’t say it. “I’m g#!” The words won’t even form in my mouth. I can barely allow the thought to creep into my head. “I am a Mormon! I believe in the Restoration of the Only True Church by the Prophet Joseph. I cannot, I will not be g #!” — I still can’t say it.
The context is shifting once again. I can’t stop it. I don’t fit in here. I’m a Mormon living in Utah and I don’t belong with these people.
I am terrified by what this all means. I turn my sexuality off. But it’s all connected. Our spiritual, emotional, mental and sexual health are all intimately connected. When one is denied or repressed the others too begin to suffer. And I am suffering, fighting this devil inside.
But stop right here. Because I want to spin this. I think the gay story is something that everyone goes through – even you straight people! Now obviously you’re not gay. But we all experience the universal struggle to embrace authentic lives.
We all have parents, and friends telling us who we should date and what career to pursue. And at the same time we all have voices inside whispering to us who we really are. Have you heard that voice?
I’m driving alone in my car. I’m passing the point of the mountain southbound into Utah County. “I’m g#!” God — it’s still hard to say – but I’m determined. I’m going to say it — and it finally comes out. “I’m gay”. It feels weird still – so I try it out with different inflections. “I’M gay!” “I’m GAY!” And then I try to butch it up: “I’M GAY” (because I still want to be manly).
And it feels…okay. I feel okay. “I’m gay”. Yeah. Alright. This is going to be alright. A couple months later I meet my first boyfriend. Rob is a tall, handsome, guy in my ASL class. We become friends and start hanging out – and then we start “hanging out” – which leads to making out, which results in, at long last, my first love.
I am sixteen again for the first time.
I notice something profoundly different about this guy. He doesn’t have a religious background. His parents accept him. He tells me that when he came out his dad said, “son, you will have many obstacles in your life because of your orientation but we will not be one of them.” Rob is the first gay man I’ve ever met who actually loves being gay – and he never wants to change. He sees being gay as a gift – and he shows me how to deeply love that which I fear so much.
For the first time in my life, I feel authentic. I am alive. The things within us that are the most terrifying are often the things within us that are the most powerful.
Joseph Campbell said: “My definition of a devil is a god who has not been recognized. That is to say, it is a power in you to which you have not given expression, and you push it back. And then, like all repressed energy, it builds up and becomes completely dangerous.”
We all have devils inside – these powerful gods unrecognized. Here in this hospital are patients, nurses, doctors, social workers and administrators. We all come from different backgrounds, but we all have something in common. We all struggle with our fears and insecurities. We’ve all got them. Those damned demons in our psyche.
But is it possible that the thing we hate most within us could actually become our greatest ally? Could the Trickster be recruited for our good?
If so, how?
Pema Chodron wrote, “When you make good friends with yourself, your situation will be more friendly too.” This is key.
So ask yourself: “Is it possible to make friends with those parts of me that I don’t like? Is it possible to love and unconditionally accept those parts of me that I feel are un-loveable?”
How we answer these questions will determine everything.
I was terrified to be gay. I was always in combat with the devil. But thanks to a wonderful boyfriend and supportive friends and family, I learned to love a part of me that I once deeply feared. I made friend with my gay demons and the world surprisingly, also became friendlier. Today, my orientation is absolutely my ally.
People often ask how I reconciled my religion and sexuality. Jesus taught: “Straight it the gate, and narrow is the way, and few there be that find it.” All religions believe only they know the one true path to god. But I see this differently.
I believe the path to god is an individual path. The reason why so few people find it is because they are so busy following the path paved for them by others. We all have to find our own path back to wholeness.
And that is the invitation. The best gift you can give yourself is to be who you really are. And to honor all of you – not just the pleasant, attractive and sociable parts – but also to love the broken, lonely, ugly, demonic You. Your devils will save you. So let them. Make your world a more vibrant and friendly place to live.
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